i have been having a lot of realistic nightmares lately. (also, deer have a very specific way of looking back at you in the dark.)

"to feel the nature scratching you, it's good i think"

 

last night i dreamed my family called to tell me my dead grandma was dying and i said "but i thought she already died?" // also my dead grandma kept calling me "mom" and kept trying to do somersaults, which i told her not to.

today i was at the beach and my four year old niece said "take some seashells for your mom and your dad!"

3.28.2016, unknown time of day

"soy joven y soy vieja. no me conozco a mi misma."

i live next to a hospital and i can see it out my window, and it feels weird to know that people are dying about a thousand feet from me all of the time.

5.29.2015, 8:09pm

"i shouldn't buy cigarettes, but i might anyhow."

today i asked my friend david "how's things?" and he said "well, i have been eating wheat chex with raisins for breakfast recently. it is like a better version of raisin bran." (i thought this was a good answer and i told him so.)

5.30.2014, unknown time of day

"i thought mean things about people today."

7.21.2015, 6:56pm

"he said the cold is merciless but righteous, and i agree."

6.29.2017, unknown time of day

"i was laughing and crying while i apologized, and i pretended to understand the words that were said back to me, but i really only caught harlem and sincere and the warm place. (afterwards i felt like getting drunk, but i just ate some garbanzo beans instead.) anyway, i don't know what to tell you about this apart from that it's been two weeks and i am still a prison guard. i don't know when i will not be a prison guard."

yesterday i went to queens and got a drink at a bar while i was waiting for it to stop raining, and i sat down next to a guy called steve who was a former hospice worker. he was trying to explain his role, and he said "everyone deals with death differently, i was just a tuning fork to help them find their song." then he asked me if i wanted any of his french fries. (i did.)

last night i dreamed my dead grandma was alive but she couldn't hold herself up so i carried her on my back even though i was so tired

8.25.2016, 7:20pm

"and i thought about how i maybe looked psychotic, wearing all black and holding five large bananas."

7.16.2016, 4:25pm

"what if there really is just nothing?"

hi i am upstate for a friend's birthday and am fairly positive the place is haunted. (the current plan is to get v. drunk and sleep with the lights on and look straight ahead.)

5.21.2015, 2:54pm

"my heart feels itchy."

"if too much matter is crammed into one place, the cumulative force of gravity becomes overwhelming, and the place becomes an eternal trap, a black hole. here, according to einstein’s theory, matter, space and time come to an end and vanish like a dream."

7.31.2016, 7:33pm

"i also found out the beach house was haunted, which i already knew. and today i accidentally cut my finger open making summer rolls, but they still tasted pretty good."

8.28.2018, 8:38am

 "i am mainly writing in here because i don't want to invalidate people on social media."

7.15.2018, 3:44pm

"i woke up around 4:30 this morning and it was thunderstorming. i ate cold spaghetti and went back to sleep."

unknown date, c. 2014

"i would hate to move into a haunted house, but i think that i need to believe in something again."

do you ever just want to melt into the floor

"in 1962 two sad jews appeared at our 515 east 13th street door, late at night, maybe three in the morning. they announced that their names were mekas, and they had just come by plane from buenos aires because they had heard that jonas mekas lived in new york. their little boy jonas got lost in vilnius, lithuania in 1943 during the german liquidation of jews. they stood there in the doorway, and they looked at us, and we looked at them, and they cried, and we cried, because they realized i wasn't the son they were hoping for. it was really very heartbreaking. so we gave them our beds, and we fed them and showed them new york for 24 hours, and then we put them on the plane. it was one of the saddest stories of our new york life."