fictional brunch conversations or something.

me: were the eggs procured organically from cage-free golden geese?
waiter: no.
me: were they originally used to conduct a series of critically important gravity tests in outer space and now, upon successful reentry into the earth's atmosphere, have found a renewed sense of purpose in becoming my breakfast?
waiter: no.
me: are they endorsed by malachy, the champion pekingese?
waiter: no.
me: will i gain superpowers if i consume them?
waiter: no.
me: are they cadbury eggs?
waiter: no.
me: is the chef going to cook them using any special and/or magical techniques, including but not limited to telekinesis, laser beams or something cool like that?
waiter: no.
me: so like...okay. why are they $16, then?
waiter: because.
me: oh, okay. that's fair.
waiter: so are you ready to order now?
me: yes! i will have the water, please!

i will sit in the dark and kill mosquitoes.

i like these old people who smell like cigarettes and spit in the street.

some more things i do all day sometimes.

i woke up at two eleven this morning. i was pretty thirsty but the water wasn't cold so i had to drink some skim milk instead. it wasn't so bad. then when it got light out i got dressed and went to central park for a while. and i said hello to all of the dogs but none of the people.

here is how a beautiful television works.

you talk the talk but can you walk the walk?

well, i don't know. maybe. what kind of walk did you have in mind? like a speed walk? or more like a tip-toed walk? because i can do the second one really well, but only in the sense that i can walk on my toes to myself appear taller. if it's a quiet walk you're after, though, then no, i probably can't walk that kind of walk.

here is a thing i do all day sometimes: part two.

i passed this place on eldridge yesterday when i was walking around trying to find sweet potatoes for $0.49/lb. i thought about getting some dumplings but i don't like to go on the weekends because you have to stand in line with people who have never been before. and they're skeptical and they make jokes and they take too long to order and then they get really surprised when the food is so good. anyways, i didn't get any dumplings on eldridge and i just kept walking instead. and i passed this place with a sign in the window that said "welcome to ghost." i didn't really know what that meant or if it was a bar or a funeral home or what, but i passed it and kept walking. then i passed it one time again later when i had to go get chinese five spice and there was a fat guy with glasses coming out of there yelling about something. he looked like he was maybe drunk but then he stood by a van for a second and i thought maybe he was just always like that. there were a lot of people inside the windows and i felt like asking them if that place was haunted or if they knew any good ghost stories or why it was called ghost at all, but then it started to smell like that incense i really like that wafts out of this one apartment on the corner all the time. it's kind of like corn tortillas but not at all and it makes you feel like you love new york city when you actually probably don't. so i took deep breaths and all my words i was going to say before that got shoved in the back of my nose and behind my eyes and i got on the train instead.

here is a thing i do all day sometimes: part one.

on friday i went on a wishing trip. which is kind of like a fishing trip but you need pennies instead of worms and you don't really catch the wishes so much as you let them float in the air for a while. they're invisible so it's hard to tell if they decide to land on your head, but if they do, you'll know because things will start happening. i like to make my good wishes vague and my bad wishes very specific. if i wish for something bad to happen, i immediately tell someone about it so it won't ever come true. (that's a good trick, you can use that if you want. it works when you're blowing out the birthday candles, too, but it's not my birthday for another three hundred days, so i had to be more proactive.) and so i went to like seven different fountains and thought of vague good wishes and threw all seven of my pennies into the water. people looked at me weird, but they probably just didn't know that this is a really great time to enter the wishing market. (i read that somewhere but i can't remember right now.) anyways, i think one of them (the wishes, i mean) came true because the train came right when i got up to the platform and i didn't even have to run or anything. and there was a mariachi band on there too, which i kind of like even though some other people get annoyed because they keep hearing things like "amor" or "querida" instead of their ipods and their kindles and things like that. but i like it because they wear those nice shirts and hats and the guitars are all different sizes. i never give them any money though.