i've always been a fan of creative breakup ideas to stir things up in a stagnant relationship. the first time i decided to blindside someone was all the way back in the eighth grade after dating a boy for a year and a half. i was bored, i was like ten times more mature than he was, insert other things that annoyed me here, etc. so being incredibly creative (and demonstrating aforementioned exceptional maturity level) i decided the best way to say sayonara was via that michelle branch song entitled 'goodbye to you'. because let's face it, singer/songwriters can just say things way better than i can. i handed him the cd and told him to listen to the last song as he was getting on his bus to go home. long story short he got the message, and he regarded me disdainfully (rightfully so as there were no real warning signs indicating i was about to stomp all over his feelings) for a long time afterward. and that, my friends, was how my train of dysfunctional relationships began.
anyway, if i were in a serious relationship at present, i would very seriously consider using one or more of ten amazing breakup methods concocted by writer/filmmaker mia timpano. there are some really genius solutions to all your relationship woes. i mean, you might come off looking like a lunatic and/or an asshole if you decide to follow through with any of these, but inside you'll know that really you just saved that no longer special someone a whole lot of personal trauma that would have resulted from telling them the truth about why you want to ditch them. i.e. "you're annoying" or "i've just realized how inferior you are" or "did you always look like that?"...you know, things like that.
1. A slow descent into mania is likely to drive any rational human away. Begin by responding to a voice only you can hear. Develop an obvious rapport with the voice. Laugh uncontrollably at everything the invisible person says. If your partner asks what was said, shake your head and say, “It’s private.” Do this every time. If your partner tells a joke, look sincerely confused and say, “Umm, o-kaaaay.” Do this every time. When your partner sits down, say, “You’re sitting on him.” If they move, say, “You’re sitting on him.” If they insist “he” could not occupy two chairs, say, “He moved.” Do this every time.
2. Deny their existence. When they say anything, glance up and around, look slightly puzzled and say, “Hmm, must have been the wind.” Do this every time. If they call, redirect them to customer assistance. Do this every time.
3. Sometimes just the threat of violence is enough to drive someone away. Point at a random member of the public and say, smiling, “Wouldn’t it be funny if we set them on fire?” If they dismiss your suggestion, point out another and say, “Wouldn’t it be funny if we drove a spike through their face?” If they question your bloodlust, look slightly deflated and say, “You’ve changed.”
4. Develop habits that will certainly repulse them. If they loathe meat, for instance, sleep with a full champagne ham wedged between your legs. Move it progressively closer and closer to their face during the night. Ultimately, they should wake to find themself face to face with the ham. Then quickly remove the ham. They should continue to find it in unexpected places — belted into the passenger seat, on the toilet, snoozing on the couch (at this point you should look up and say, “Shhhhh!” then mouth the word “sleeping”).
5. Drive them away by affecting an African-American patois. When you agree with anything, say, “TRUE DAT!” This will get tired extremely quickly.
6. Let them down easy. Explain you simply need something they cannot give. This can of course be anything, so get creative. I need all toes to be webbed. I need you to be lubricated in gravy. I need meat breath.
7. Play dead. If they are convinced, they will grieve and move on. If they are unconvinced, they should be sufficiently annoyed to move on.
8. Insist you are related. If they demand proof of your claim, simply hand them a magic eight ball. It will achieve nothing, but will allow a moment of confusion in which to run away, screaming.
9. Flick any small, hard object at them. Ask, “Did that hurt?” Ignore their response and repeat the process. When they stand to leave and sit elsewhere, shake your head and say, “He moved.”
10. To tell them you hate them personally is offensive and unnecessary. Instead, tell them you hate everything they like and own. Strolling through their house, look clearly annoyed and say, “Tch, Mac. Uh, yeah, ‘cool’. Tch, Pentax. Oooh, ‘it’s a Pentax’. Tch, grapefruit. Yeah, sour, great, I’m so impressed. Tch, a goldfish. What’s he going to do? Swim? Mmmm, great, almost as good as the grapefruit.” They will slowly tire of this and you.
This column was published in Frankie #19 Sept/Oct 2007.
