remember marissa cooper and/or mishcha barton?

remember when they simultaneously killed marissa cooper AND the oc AND mischa barton's career, all in one fell swoop? i do, i do. today i stumbled upon an amazing and creepy facebook group that is dedicated to preserving the memory of marissa cooper. the author of the group poses an interesting question: "why does everyone seem to be getting over it?" well, i don't know...it could have something to do with the fact that she's not a real person, but maybe that's just me. by the way, i'm pretty sure whoever made this group is foreign and/or slow-brained. he or she refers to marissa as a hero several times...i'm pretty sure that's the last word i'd use to describe marissa cooper. she constantly gets herself into situations that require rescuing, which is the opposite of a hero. except i guess she did shoot ryan's brother that one time, but aside from that she mostly failed in the heroics department. besides, i think imogen heap was the real hero in that situation. anyways, the author of this group goes on to blame taylor (i think that's the one with all the school spirit? i stopped watching after season 2...really anything past the first appearance of crazy oliver in season 1 is a waste of time) for marissa's death, listing a zillion oddly worded points to support the claim. oh, and let's not forget the haiku-esque situation, which i will reproduce here:

"she loved him...she loved him but she had to say goodbye..they didn't forget...Ryan saved her once and he wasn't meant to save her again...maybe the parallel universe will always know what we can't..and it's just for us to accept...We love her, but she will always be there..never forgotton...she wasn't meant to live..that was how it was meant to be..in his arms, the 'I love you' unanswered..Marissa..."

so what can we learn from all this? well, first of all, avoid whoever the eff created this group. but you know what? i had a brilliant idea. are you ready? let's petition for a spinoff series to accomplish the following: 1) revive marissa, 2) revive mischa barton's career, and 3) see 1 and 2. and just what would this series feature? the plot is very simple. marissa cooper comes back as a zombie who is just trying to make it in LA. blind dates and drama and brain consumption ensue. natasha bedingfield could do a catchy theme song, something along the lines of "and your brain is still unbitten..." i mean, it's genius right? they wouldn't even need to hire a makeup person since mischa barton's already at least halfway towards looking the part. i think this could really take off because let's face it...vampires and werewolves are getting old. zombies could definitely be the new "it" creatures. let me know if anyone feels like investing in this project...it'll be pretty low-budget considering mischa barton would probably be cool with getting paid in urban outfitters coupons and cigarettes. and all she has to do is get super drunk the night before filming, which fits in perfectly with her lifestyle. just come in super hungover looking like death, shuffle around slowly, minimal dialogue with lots of groaning sounds...it's like her fucking dream job. and there we go. i just solved all mischa barton's problems.

10 ways to end it (and spare their feelings)

i've always been a fan of creative breakup ideas to stir things up in a stagnant relationship. the first time i decided to blindside someone was all the way back in the eighth grade after dating a boy for a year and a half. i was bored, i was like ten times more mature than he was, insert other things that annoyed me here, etc. so being incredibly creative (and demonstrating aforementioned exceptional maturity level) i decided the best way to say sayonara was via that michelle branch song entitled 'goodbye to you'. because let's face it, singer/songwriters can just say things way better than i can. i handed him the cd and told him to listen to the last song as he was getting on his bus to go home. long story short he got the message, and he regarded me disdainfully (rightfully so as there were no real warning signs indicating i was about to stomp all over his feelings) for a long time afterward. and that, my friends, was how my train of dysfunctional relationships began.

anyway, if i were in a serious relationship at present, i would very seriously consider using one or more of ten amazing breakup methods concocted by writer/filmmaker mia timpano. there are some really genius solutions to all your relationship woes. i mean, you might come off looking like a lunatic and/or an asshole if you decide to follow through with any of these, but inside you'll know that really you just saved that no longer special someone a whole lot of personal trauma that would have resulted from telling them the truth about why you want to ditch them. i.e. "you're annoying" or "i've just realized how inferior you are" or "did you always look like that?"...you know, things like that.

1. A slow descent into mania is likely to drive any rational human away. Begin by responding to a voice only you can hear. Develop an obvious rapport with the voice. Laugh uncontrollably at everything the invisible person says. If your partner asks what was said, shake your head and say, “It’s private.” Do this every time. If your partner tells a joke, look sincerely confused and say, “Umm, o-kaaaay.” Do this every time. When your partner sits down, say, “You’re sitting on him.” If they move, say, “You’re sitting on him.” If they insist “he” could not occupy two chairs, say, “He moved.” Do this every time.

2. Deny their existence. When they say anything, glance up and around, look slightly puzzled and say, “Hmm, must have been the wind.” Do this every time. If they call, redirect them to customer assistance. Do this every time.

3. Sometimes just the threat of violence is enough to drive someone away. Point at a random member of the public and say, smiling, “Wouldn’t it be funny if we set them on fire?” If they dismiss your suggestion, point out another and say, “Wouldn’t it be funny if we drove a spike through their face?” If they question your bloodlust, look slightly deflated and say, “You’ve changed.”

4. Develop habits that will certainly repulse them. If they loathe meat, for instance, sleep with a full champagne ham wedged between your legs. Move it progressively closer and closer to their face during the night. Ultimately, they should wake to find themself face to face with the ham. Then quickly remove the ham. They should continue to find it in unexpected places — belted into the passenger seat, on the toilet, snoozing on the couch (at this point you should look up and say, “Shhhhh!” then mouth the word “sleeping”).

5. Drive them away by affecting an African-American patois. When you agree with anything, say, “TRUE DAT!” This will get tired extremely quickly.

6. Let them down easy. Explain you simply need something they cannot give. This can of course be anything, so get creative. I need all toes to be webbed. I need you to be lubricated in gravy. I need meat breath.

7. Play dead. If they are convinced, they will grieve and move on. If they are unconvinced, they should be sufficiently annoyed to move on.

8. Insist you are related. If they demand proof of your claim, simply hand them a magic eight ball. It will achieve nothing, but will allow a moment of confusion in which to run away, screaming.

9. Flick any small, hard object at them. Ask, “Did that hurt?” Ignore their response and repeat the process. When they stand to leave and sit elsewhere, shake your head and say, “He moved.”

10. To tell them you hate them personally is offensive and unnecessary. Instead, tell them you hate everything they like and own. Strolling through their house, look clearly annoyed and say, “Tch, Mac. Uh, yeah, ‘cool’. Tch, Pentax. Oooh, ‘it’s a Pentax’. Tch, grapefruit. Yeah, sour, great, I’m so impressed. Tch, a goldfish. What’s he going to do? Swim? Mmmm, great, almost as good as the grapefruit.” They will slowly tire of this and you.

This column was published in Frankie #19 Sept/Oct 2007.

no bandaids allowed

if anyone wants to join my band, i've decided to start one. mind you, i know nothing about music, but that's never stopped me from serenading other young business professionals with my heart-wrenching renditions of damas gratis classics. speaking of damas gratis, i might pull a pablito lescano and start toting around a keytaur. perhaps i'll bedazzle it in a big way. okay but back to the band idea. my previous ideas have included starting a typewriter orchestra, but that would involve going back to argentina to purchase a wide variety of cheap typewriters from various ferias. and typewriters can be cumbersome*. but now what i'm thinking is either electro-folk (combining my two favorite genres of all time) or just collecting a bunch of different sounds for a year and then launching them into a symphony of awesomeness. thoughts? you can try out for this band by either bringing me a sound you've collected, singing karaoke into my lasonic boombox (song choices include the babysitter's club theme song, total eclipse of the heart, or the hulkamaniac song), or you can just tell me you've always dreamed of being a roadie and you'll probably get in automatically. (but you'll never be "in-in" in the band) so there you have it. that's my current idea. and one other idea which is that i think we should all start wearing native american headdresses. maybe this can be incorporated into the future almost-existent band.

*cumbersome is a weird word but it sounds like what it means. unless you were to say cucumbersome, and then i think that changes the meaning.