you're a fucking bogan!

has anyone ever called you a bogan? they probably have, they just might've used a different word. bogan means white trash in australian, and they use it a shit ton on australia's next top model, my new favorite show. it totally kicks america's next top model's ass...they can say lots more stuff on tv, like one chick said 'fuck!' when she fell at the end of the runway. all of the girls are also crazy and are really mean to each other. and then cassi, who i'm currently trying to score a phone interview with for byt, is absolutely the best bogan ever. she's been smoking since she was ten years old (she's sixteen now), has a snaggletooth, and has a serious anger management problem. when she's not threatening to rip people's heads off, she's punching walls. seriously, you've got to watch it, i can't stop. here's a clip:

you can watch all the episodes (like i've done) on youtube by searching for australia's next top model cycle five. it's literally the best thing i've ever seen. i think a lot of it has to do with their funny accents. and the fact that my arch nemesis tyra banks isn't the host.

claudia's birthday!!!

by the way, i hope everyone is getting geared-up for claudia kishi's birthday on july 11th, aka saturday. i will surely be throwing her the biggest bday bash this side of stoneybrook, complete with paper-clip earrings and neon scrunchies. and junk food and misspellings, obvi. so excited! i'll have to do some serious math to figure out how old she'll be fo realz. you can expect your evites soon...

schemes

okay so just theoretically if i do decide to leave my life of free-loading off my mom, what exactly would my next career move be? well, i've thought about this pretty substantially and here's what i've got so far:

1) open up a transformers themed restaurant in which we principally serve optimus prime rib with bumblebeer. should be popular in the nerd community, and nerds sometimes have jobs that pay well. this could lead to a steady cash flow, and/or the opportunity to marry up.
2) finally produce prayerobics, the next craze in exercise. basically it will launch the strenuous sunday morning mass routine into a structured and effective fitness plan, including the sit-stand-kneel-somersault pattern typical of catholocism. the first volume will be called "sweatin' to the old testament". however, richard simmons will likely be an opponent of my program, meaning i will have to fight him to the death. and who knows how much power that afro holds.
3) invent something useful like a remote control pager. i'm told this has already been invented, but i don't own one yet so i don't believe it. if it existed i would totally buy thirty and page remotes all day. actually, that might be a better plan. buy the said existing remote control pagers, page everyone's lost remotes, hold them hostage, and charge money for their safe return.

i think these all represent a pretty solid start to my future.

rip michael...