well i thought you said dowsing rods not dowelling rods. so now the wedding cake is kind of haunted, but it's okay because people can just eat around the supernatural bits.

talks you have when you're a proper pauper.

me: so it's just you and me this month.
brain: ...what do you mean by "just you and me"...
me: i mean you, plus me, minus everyone and everything else.
brain: but like...what about alcohol? what about cigarettes? or what about pecan pie, she can't be THAT busy?
me: nope. they're all being held hostage by the bills currently.
brain: oh well that's easy enough...why don't you just rescue them by setting the bills on fire like that one scene from RENT?
me: it doesn't really work like that in real life.
brain: pffffft. yeah, real life...like that's even a thing.
me: i know, right?
me: but seriously. it's just you and me.

it's too much it's too much it's too much.

i will tell you a thing about new york city.

it's highly overrated.

here is a thing i do all day sometimes: foreword.

yesterday i went to a bar where the lights were all red and no one was there but me, so i got drunk and wrote stories. today i went to the beach. it was cold but sunny, and i found a family of hermit crabs. i also skipped stones and seashells into the ocean for a while. then i went to this giant graveyard, but you could only go in if you were deceased. and i wasn't, so i left. then i went to chinatown and took pictures of dead fish because they were pink and i liked the colour. now i'm at home drinking a heineken, but i'd rather be drinking a manhattan instead.

the cat is knocking shit over. I DON'T CARE.

the robot whisperer part one.

i suppose it would be easier to call myself a repairman, but this would imply that i am something i am not. i can certainly fix your computer, your toaster, your record player, but not because i possess a wide array of tools or know-how. rather, i have an innate ability to communicate with electronic devices. this ability became apparent to me rather early in life; i found it difficult to fall asleep whilst my parents watched television downstairs, not due to the volume as they kept this quite low, but because i could hear (or at least feel) the high-pitched frequency the box emitted while in use. other people have told me that they, too, are able to detect this frequency, but i have not met any who can understand it. with the exception of myself, of course.

chronicling a compulsive liar part four.

"i removed all sources of calcium from my diet around the time of my eleventh birthday. i'd heard a lack of calcium-rich foods was a suspected cause of the degenerative bone disease osteoporosis; birds' bones are hollow and well-suited for flight, and as i hoped to one day acquire the ability to levitate, i made a conscious decision to try to lower my bone density by any means possible. this has been an ongoing process, and there are a variety of other elements that i've been concentrating on to achieve my goal, but i can confidently say that i am quite close to being the first non-magical human capable of auto-aviation."

times when reality is thinner, installment one.

sidewalk. springtime. 4:30pm. cloudy. might rain. breeze. grass moves. gravel sounds.

maybe not though.

i will go to central park tomorrow morning.

business venture #74: imp(i)erealism.

remember that time i wanted to open up a frozen treats stand inspired by famous communists called hammer and (pop)sickle? okay well now i want to open up a pie stand called imp(i)erialism where we will only sell pies that are named after famous conquerors and/or imperialists. here is the menu:

ghengis pekhan
charlemagne meringue
ashokanut cream
corchess
pizarrhubarb

all pies will be served a la mode with a scoop of atilla vanilla.

the english language should have fewer rules.

thoughts on photographing living things.

i don't like taking photographs of people or animals. i like taking photographs of rocks and plastic and graffiti because these are more or less concrete. these are things that will last. these are things that are meant to last. people, animals, mobile living things, are meant to exist fluidly, fleetingly. the present exists for a few seconds at best, and to try and preserve those few seconds is not something i fully understand. in a way, it seems reminiscent of frankenstein; it's trying to make immortal that which is inherently mortal. and that, specifically, i suppose, is what i find difficult to understand.

thoughts on why shopping malls exist.

we buy things so we're not alone in a room with ourselves. that's why it's scary being minimalist. see also: that's why i am minimalist.