easter is a pretty great holiday until you find out that the easter bunny (much like santa claus, the tooth fairy and any hope you had for becoming rich and famous) is not real. then it really just becomes a day for eating massive amounts of candy. which i'm totally in support of, but it doesn't really account for all the other awesome things you got robbed of when you became "too old" for easter. like easter egg hunts and taking photos with creepy easter rabbit impostors, for instance.
megan burns, pre-finding out the easter bunny was fake.
now, some of you responsibles (which, i don't know why you're reading my blog if that's the case) are probably saying, "yeahhh but it's like, easter is about jesus. it's not about jelly beans, megan." and to that i would say: remember when you found out the easter rabbit wasn't real? and it was like someone punched you right in the soul? well it's probably going to feel a million times worse when the same thing happens for jesus. so i will enjoy these jelly beans, because no one is going to pop out and say, 'just kidding! jelly beans are this fictitious thing we invented to make you be good all year and/or have a more fulfilling childhood and/or fund the dentist cavity conspiracy and/or something like that!' at least, i don't think that's going to happen. but back to celebrating easter. here are some things i suggest you do to make the most of the holiday that doesn't even give you days off from work:
1) have a zombie movie marathon. i don't even really like zombie movies because they make my body hurt and my brain cry, but if we're really going to buy into the whole jesus coming back from the dead bit, i'd say zombie movies are the only appropriate thing you could possibly watch on easter sunday. side-note: i've given a lot of thought to what i would do if zombies were actually real. do i think a zombie invasion will really ever happen? not really, but i'd like to be prepared in case it does. basically what i've come up with (so far) is that i'd row out to the middle of a freshwater lake with a fishing pole and just ride it out for a while. i haven't really seen a lot of movies where zombies can swim, so i think that would be the best thing to do. and then if it turns out they CAN swim, my next move would be to hang out in a hot air balloon, maybe do a little 'around the world in twenty-eight days later' thing. hopefully those two strategies would work, because i don't think i could handle being eaten by zombies.
2) make the most of easter candy, because it's only available for a short time every year and is the most delicious variety of all the holiday sweets. this means that you should avoid real food the entire day and only eat easter candy-based meals. for instance, go with some cadbury eggs benedict and a side of refried jelly beans. delicious.
3) explode peeps in the microwave. self-explanatory.
4) cadbury egg houses, cars and department stores. it'll seem like you're sending some really important message about the evils of capitalism, but really you'll just be having so much fun destroying stuff.
5) dye eggs while drinking beer. you can cleverly call this "kegs and easter eggs" so people will overlook your drinking problem and instead think you're really fun and creative.
there's probably like a million other fun things you could do on easter, like make peeps dioramas or give yourself rabbit teeth using chiclets, but the bottom line here is that you should steal back the holiday in as many ways as you can. mostly because i said so, that's why.
No comments:
Post a Comment