things you should buy for fun people

do you like fun people? do fun people like you? well, even if you said no to the second of those questions, fun people will like you if you buy them these awesome gift packages that i have taken the time to compile JUST FOR YOU AND THE AMERICAN ECONOMY. (almost) all under $100, mind you! perfect for the holidays or any occasion where you want to buy friendship. observe:

option #1: marshmallow fun times package. includes:

• stay puft caffeinated marshmallows, $19.99: because they're awesome and they have caffeine in them.
• marshmallow blaster gun, $20: it is my lifelong dream to sit in front of the tv shooting villains like giatta de laurentiis and tyra banks, and i bet it's a lot of other people's lifelong dream too. so buy them a set of two so they can have fun times with the people they love, shooting the shit out of the television screen.
• rice krispies treats cereal, 4 pack, $12.52: this will go nicely with the marshmallow gun activity, because nothing goes better with tv than sitting on the floor eating the best marshmallow and rice-based cereal known to man.
• AND/OR straight up cereal marshmallows, $10.99: because who the eff wants to deal with the other bits in lucky charms? not me, sir. not me. save a loved one loads of fun time which ordinarily would be wasted separating the good from the bad.

option #2: the 'stache bash package. includes:

• set of self-adhesive mustaches, $10: because no 'stache bash would be complete without the mustaches. also makes a nice gift for the less testostastic man friends.
• AND/OR set of mood mustaches, $10: have you ever had difficulty discerning someone's mood because of their lack of coloured facial hair? me too. don't be a victim; instead, give these puppies to your mood swinging friends and you'll never have to guess again.
  
• car stache, $40: not all of us feel like driving pick-up's, but that doesn't mean we have to sacrifice the dignity of our decidedly male automobiles. slap this giant stache on the hood of your car and people will know that neither you nor your vehicle is to be effed with.
• mustache socks, $7.50: treat your loved one's feet to optimal warmth this holiday season with mustache-patterned socks.
• dual mustache beer opener and corkscrew, $14: because nothing goes better with drinking than mustaches.

option #3: dinomite fun package. includes:

• dinosaur "wish you were here" tee, $78: because i do wish they were here. you know, if they were wearing sunglasses and looked like they were down for not being all carnivorous and whatnot.
• foam dinosaur masks, set of 12, $8.95: prehistoric pretend times are the best kind of pretend times.
• inflatable dinosaurs, set of 6, $16.70: the size of a small child, these little guys will keep you company much better than a small child ever could. you can give them names and personality traits for hours of fun in lonely times.
• dinosaur tattoos, set of 72, $6.28: for anyone who has always wanted a tattoo that depicts the rise and fall of the dinosaurs in chronological order, this gift will finally allow that dream to come true via removable tattoos. good for anyone planning to enter the professional world excluding jobs pertaining to paleontology; if they're going for the latter, then go for the gold and get the real thing.
  

option 4: nineties nostalgia package. includes:

• nickelodeon dvd extravaganza, $33.47: there is not one person who would not want this as a gift. or if there is, i don't want to know him. includes dvd packs of the adventures of pete & pete seasons 1 and 2, and clarissa explains it all season 1. if you're feeling generous, throw in doug season 1 for an additional $28.99.
• party mania, $44.95: sure forty-five bones may seem a little steep for a game, but it's not just ANY game, it's THE BEST game of all time. with an interactive vhs companion tape, you'll have a total blast trying not to get stuck with the creepy pervo science geeks. instead, you'll collect tokens to score a date with the two hotties who will probably roofie you at the party. ps i used to cry when i lost this game. actually, i used to cry when i lost most games.
• let's paint the 90's, $9.71: YES, LET'S. full of nostalgic scenes including the tonya harding vs nancy kerrigan dynasty-on-ice disaster. WIN.

so there you have it. if you don't take my advice and instead opt for the scented candles or the "thoughtful" picture frame which contains a photo of your friendship, don't come crying to me when things go downhill.