chronicling a compulsive liar part five.

"i worked for some years in a fortune cookie manufacturing plant. while i initially lacked the qualifications necessary to become successful in such an enterprise, i was able to fake my way through the job interview. speaking not one word of mandarin chinese, i'd picked up a handful of words off the back of a can of chop suey vegetables and, after correctly stringing them together to form a convincing argument for my employment, i was hired on the spot.

i started at the very bottom of the fortune cookie business hierarchy, spending long hours scrubbing the floors of the factory and polishing the machines that made mass-production possible. through that experience, i was able to see how each piece of equipment functioned, and, using bits of scrap metal i found in nearby junkyards, i replicated the machinery on a smaller scale in a corner of my one-bedroom apartment.

i kept my job at the factory to continue researching the production process. i was given promotions regularly for my hard work, but the ladder was complex, and i had many rungs to climb on my way to the top. this was a good thing, because it allowed me to experience each component of fortune cookie creation first-hand. at home, i applied the techniques i learned in the factory to create some of my own custom prototypes.

eventually i was promoted to the position of a fortune writer. they gave each of us a special typewriter, about the size of a deck of playing cards, which was designed to print the generic fortunes on tiny, individual strips of paper. the machines took some skill to use, and fortunately my abnormally slender fingers were advantageous in this regard. i quickly mastered the art, producing ten times the amount of fortunes as the other employees. though they were reluctant to lose my natural talent in this department, it was recognized that i was deserving of another promotion, and i was eventually made the head of the sales department.

this coveted position came with a variety of new responsibilities, one of which was maintaining the customer database. i learned the final destinations of our finished products, some of which being as far away as finland, though those fortunes had to be translated in a special department before shipping. i took note of the names of each restaurant on our roster, and spent a great deal of time researching which ones were frequented by important figures like movie stars and big-shot politicians. using my in-home machinery, i began producing fortune cookies made specifically for these influential characters.

i stayed late once a week under the guise of having to work out figures and sums in my office, and after the last employee left for the night, i'd swap out the factory's cookies with my own, each with a predetermined destination. my endeavours soon paid off, no one being the wiser; among many others, my long list of victories included the resignation of a corrupt foreign minister, the creation of a successful new currency, the rescue of an endangered people in the far reaches of the amazon from the brink of extinction, and the return to air of several television programs that had been canceled in years prior.

i eventually quit working at the factory, much to the dismay of the board of investors. my responsibility to the well-being of humanity had become too taxing, and i found there was no choice but to resign from my position.

i still own the fortune cookie machine i built all those years ago, and occasionally i make a limited batch of product for the enjoyment of my friends and family."